Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend
Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend
Writer: AmberZ10
Twitter: @A_zoan
-
“Listen, Harley, I know this will be difficult for you especially, but I need your undivided attention here, alright?”
“I dunno, Kitty, that’s kind’ve a big ask…”
Selina turned her plea to Ivy then, writing Harley off as a lost cause for the moment. “Pam, please. You both promised me the night I played getaway driver the next job would be mine.”
Ivy sighed from where she was leaning, arms crossed against the kitchen counter. “Just fill us in, we’re already bored.”
“I don’t appreciate the attitude,” Selina warned, opening her laptop and turning on the TV to accommodate her visual presentation. “The gala is on Friday, but if a single mistake is made or a detail is missed, we’re fucked, do you understand me?”
“Yeah, sure thing,” Harley nodded as she reached forward to grab the soda Ivy had placed on a coaster for her. “Fancy party, I’m excited.”
Selina was going to count that as a victory. “Roman Sionis—,”
“Prick.”
“Mother fucker.”
“Right,” Selina agreed with a quick nod, clicking to her first slide. “He’s hosting a gala on Friday to announce his new joint venture with the GCPD.”
“I’m sorry, what?” Ivy was more invested now, pushing off the counter and coming to stand behind the couch Harley was lounging on. “The most notorious gangster in Gotham City is entering into a joint venture with the city’s police department. For what fucking purpose and on what fucking planet?”
The next slide was a picture of Roman Sionis shaking hands with the mayor, both men smiling broadly. “Come on, Pam, we can’t be surprised by corruption anymore.”
“Yeah, it’s kinda standard-fare at this point, Pammy,” Harley agreed, crunching her now empty can in her hand.
“After the Joker riots Roman saw an opportunity to get the cops deeper in his pocket by funding their new tactical gear,” Selina revealed, clicking to the next slide, which depicted a classified design mock-up for the new gear and weapons the GCPD would soon be sporting.
“Oh, perfect,” Ivy scoffed, throwing her hands up. “Turning cops into soldiers, what could possibly go wrong?”
“Ivy, can we please not spiral here? There’s a lot more shit for me to get through.”
“Fine,” the redhead huffed, crossing her arms again. “But I’ll be formulating a rant on the subject.”
Harley turned to pat Ivy on the arm, smiling warmly. “We know, Pammy.”
“Hey, guys? Undivided attention, remember?”
“That’s not gonna happen til’ Red puts on some pants.”
“Yes, actually,” Selina decided this discussion was worth putting things on pause. “We’re having a work conversation, Pamela. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that you wear pants.”
Ivy appeared taken aback, placing her hand on her chest like she’d taken a severe emotional blow. “You think you can police my wardrobe in the privacy of my own home?”
“My own home,” Selina corrected. “This is my home, Pamela.”
The redhead took a moment to consider the veracity of that statement, eyes narrowing at Selina before she ultimately relinquished. “Fine.”
The other two women sat in silence, watching as she exited the kitchen in favor of she and Harley’s bedroom before returning moments later wearing Harley’s sweatpants, the oversized oxford she had on awkwardly tucked in at the front.
Selina nodded, satisfied. “Great. So, the gala—,”
“What are we stealing?” Harley asked, wanting to skip ahead to the good part.
“Nothing.”
Pam raised an elegant eyebrow. “Come again?”
“Technically, we won’t be stealing a thing,” Selina grinned. “Besides my reputation back.”
“Care to elaborate?” Ivy prompted.
The next slide depicted a newspaper clipping from the most recent Gotham Gazette, the article in question titled Catwomen unmasked? “The press seems to have got it in their heads that Selina Kyle…is Catwoman.”
“But…Selina Kyle…is…Catwoman,” Harley seemed to be having a hard time with all this. “You’re Selina Kyle…and you’re Catwoman.”
“Yes, Harley, thank you,” it took everything in Selina not to roll her eyes then. “But people aren’t supposed to know that. Unlike you two, I need to maintain a secret identity.”
“I’ve never understood why,” Pam shrugged, heading back to the kitchen. “What do you want for dinner, Harl? I refuse to feed you another grilled cheese.”
“You could always bring that ass back over here,” was Harley’s less-than-helpful suggestion.
“I forgot how nauseating your post-Arkham honeymoon phase is,” Selina complained, and then, “can we do sushi?”
“Ooh, yeah! But I want those fat noodles.”
“Sure,” Ivy acquiesced. “Are we getting delivery, or did you want to pick it up? I have no interest in leaving the house.”
“Yeah, me neither,” Harley agreed. “One’a you guys gotta order it, though. I fucked it up last time and I don’t wanna get yelled at again.”
“I don’t recall either of us yelling, Harls,” Ivy disagreed with her retelling of events. “But yes, it’s probably best you’re not in charge of ordering. I’d like the roll with the avocado on top.”
"The roll or the rainbow roll?”
“Whichever one I meant to get last time.”
“Got it,” Selina pulled out her phone, opening her grub hub app to place her order and picking from the stack of stolen credit cards on the coffee table to pay. “35-minute ETA.”
“Yay!” Harley clapped.
“Alright,” the brunette locked her phone, sliding it back into her pocket. “Where was I?”
“Something about image rehabilitation?”
“Yes, right,” Selina picked up where she’d left off. “Commissioner Gordon asked me—Selina Kyle—down to the police station yesterday to inquire about a recent string of thefts, and that’s not going to work for me. So, I’ve devised this plan to kill a few birds with one stone. Enter, the Cat’s Eye Diamond, which will be on display Friday at the Black Mask Club.”
Ivy moved around the couch, taking a seat next to Harley. “Go on…”
“First thing’s first, you two will need a way in,” Selina continued. “Harley, I’ve already secured you a job with the catering company.”
Harley knotted her tie, winking at herself in the mirror as she buttoned her vest and rolled the sleeves of her white shirt up to her elbows. “I’m makin’ this shit work.”
“Ivy, you’ll be there as a guest.”
“I assume I’ll need to find a date?”
“I already did that; all I need from you is a convincing meet-cute.”
-
“Oh, shoot!” he cursed when her books went flying. “I’m so sorry.”
“You have nothing to apologize for, I wasn’t looking where I was going,” Pam fell to her knees to gather what she’d dropped, avoiding eye contact and forcing her skin to blush.
He followed her down to the ground, scrambling to snag the loose papers before they were taken away by the breeze. “Must be some book,” he joked.
“It’s just my calculus textbook,” she explained like it was silly. “Trying to cram for my exam this afternoon.”
“Oh, yeah, do you have Howard? His exams are always tough.” Once he finally had all the papers in hand, he looked up at her, blue eyes meeting green. “I’m—hi, I’m Dick.”
“Paula,” Pam said, shyly tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Nice to meet you.”
“It’s my lucky day, really,” he chuckled, handing the papers to her. “Are you new? I think I’d remember seeing you before.”
“Grad transfer,” Pam told him, rising to her full height, Dick following suit. “Anyway, I should get going, but—,”
“Hey, wait, hold on,” Dick took a step to catch up with her as she turned away. “Are you new to Gotham entirely?”
“God, is it that obvious?”
“Not a bad thing,” Dick laughed. “But how about you let me take you out? Show you the town? Introduce you to the who’s who?”
“I don’t go out with strange boys, Dick, no matter how cute.”
“Ah, so you think I’m cute,” he grinned. “This Friday, how about it? I’ve got a big party that I’m tragically without a date for.”
Pam bit her lip, pretending to contemplate his offer. “How about you give me your number and I’ll consider it.”
-
“And how are you planning on getting in?” Pam wondered, less than thrilled by this plan already.
“I’ve been invited, of course.”
“You’re going to behave tonight, right?” Bruce asked.
Selina rolled her eyes, looping her arm around his. “Please, Bruce, when have I ever misbehaved when it really mattered?”
“We’ll each be outfitted with earpieces so we can keep in constant communication.”
“Since when do we have earpiece kinda dough?”
“That’s not anything you need to concern yourself with. I just need you two to be completely focused and to avoid unnecessary distractions, got it?”
-
Selina watched as Pam approached, holding Dick’s arm in the same way Selina was holding Bruce’s. Dick was dressed in a well-tailored black tuxedo—standard for black tie events. Pamela, meanwhile, was wearing a dress that appeared made for her, the fabric accentuating every curve, clinging tightly to her skin and somehow exaggerating her already exaggerated silhouette. Turning briefly away from Bruce, she hissed “What part of avoiding unnecessary distractions didn’t you understand?” into her earpiece.
She watched as Pam raised her free hand to her ear. “I’m not sure what you were expecting, Kitty, but I’m not going to underdress so you can avoid a sexual awakening.”
“The sheer volume of cleavage, Pamela, Jesus.”
“Glad you made it,” Bruce greeted them.
“Bruce, Selina, this is Paula,” Dick made the introduction.
-
“So lemme get this straight, while you and Red are makin’ kissy-kissy with the Wayne boys, I’m gonna be…what? Waiting tables?” Harley wondered.
Ivy scoffed at the notion.
“You’re the inside man, Harl. And you have more waitress experience than Pam does. And look better in a tie.”
-
Harley popped the bubble she’d just blown, chewing her gum a few more times before spitting it in the wastebasket a janitor was pushing passed her in the hallway.
“There you are!” her super annoying temporary boss yelled at her as she got back onto the main floor after stashing her backpack. “We have guests in need of champagne.”
“Cool, not like I’m a doctor or anything,” Harley snapped, snatching the outstretched bottle and towel from him before making her way through the sea of tables in search of a certain guest she knew would have an empty glass.
“What?” he called after her.
She spotted her almost immediately and stopped dead in her tracks, nearly dropping the bottle in her hand.
“Keep it in your pants, Harley,” Selina’s disembodied voice sounded in her ear.
“I thought we weren’t doin’ distractions!” Harley complained.
“Is it in position?” Pam wondered, getting back to business even though Harley’s pouting was totally her fault.
The blonde started over to their table, pouring Dick, Selina, Bruce and then Pam a glass of champagne, slipping a small key into the neckline of Pam’s dress as she did so. “You’re up, Baby,” she said once she’d turned away.
“There will be cops there, but they won’t be armed or in uniform,” Selina told them. “Security will be solely Sionis’ goons and I can promise they’re not afraid to pull the trigger.”
“Should we dance?” Pam prompted, smiling at Dick who quickly obliged her.
“Happy to,” Dick grinned back, helping her to her feet and then pushing her chair in on her behalf.
Pam allowed herself to be led out onto the dance floor, subtly prompting him to the center before wrapping her arms around his shoulders. “I’ve never been to a party quite like this,” she told him, biting her lip and smiling shyly up at him. “Thank you for inviting me, it’s quite the rush.”
“Of course,” he chuckled, his arms on her waist. “Thanks for agreeing, would have been so boring without a date.” They swayed in silence for a moment before he spoke again. “Why did you agree, by the way?”
She shrugged, holding eye contact as she slowly increased her pheromone output. “I googled you,” she giggled.
“You googled me?”
“Please don’t tease me,” Pam laughed. “I had to make sure you weren’t a serial killer…or a republican.”
He seemed charmed by this explanation, and so she increased her output further until he was smiling dumbly at her, seldom blinking.
“Ready?” Harley wondered.
“Yes.”
Harley slammed into another waiter who’d been holding a tray of clean champagne glasses, sending everything toppling to the floor and causing a loud crash that got just about everyone’s attention.
“Oh shit, oops! My bad, my bad, I’m so sorry!”
Pam watched as the security guards who’d been posted at the four corners of the room flocked towards the commotion, Ivy leaving Dick to sway with himself when she followed.
“—can you do that?”
“It’s within my abilities, yes. But it will take some engineering.”
“Done.”
“All four?”
“Yes.”
“OK, please get Dick out of his vegetative state now, I’d rather his brain chemistry not be permanently altered.”
“You’re no fun,” Ivy complained.
“There will be two more assigned directly to Sionis, so you’ll need to take care of him after he makes his grand entrance. And Sionis himself, he’ll be armed too.”
“And how are we supposed’ta get Romey’s attention? I can’t spill anything else.”
“Have a little faith, Harley,” Selina chastised. “I promise the Wayne boys are good for something.”
“Bruce Wayne, as I live and breathe,” Roman clapped his gloved hands. “And you brought your ward, how charming. Little daddy date, I love it.”
“I never stay in on a Friday night, Mr. Sionis,” Bruce smiled, standing to shake his hand. “I hope my invitation wasn’t an excuse to talk business, however.”
“Oh, please, Brucey, I wouldn’t dream of it,” Roman chuckled, not relinquishing his grip long past what seemed comfortable. “Though, while I have you here, I do wonder if you’d had the chance to consider my proposal.”
“Not seriously, Roman,” Bruce told him, firmly noncommittal as he pulled his hand away.
Pam and Dick were returning from the dance floor now, Pam making sure to brush Sionis as she passed him, her hand inches from his holstered gun for just the briefest of moments before she sat down in the seat she’d vacated earlier.
“You seriously think it’s gonna be that easy?” Harley was incredulous.
“Since when are you the one I need to convince?”
“Harley still, miraculously, doubts the fundamental stupidity of men.”
“And Commissioner Gordon, my illustrious guest of honor,” Sionis clapped him on the back like he was an old buddy from college. “What a star-studded table. Say, while I’m making my rounds, perhaps you two could talk shop?” he indicated Bruce and Gordon with a nod of his head. “After all, it’s going to require some collaboration to bring the city’s criminals to heal.”
“We’ll see, Roman,” Bruce smirked, a good sport through and through. And just like that, their host was swept away, leaving Gordon’s eyes to fall on Selina.
“Ms. Kyle…” the commissioner greeted, bypassing the rest of the table altogether. “I’m surprised to see you here.”
Selina raised an eyebrow in challenge. “You know I never miss a good party, Mr. Commissioner.”
“Of course,” he acknowledged. “It’s just, my secretary told me you’d be out of town this weekend, and that’s why you’d declined my invitation for an interview down at the station.”
“The station?” Bruce inserted himself.
Selina placed her hand on her date’s forearm, encouraging him to relax. “I caught an early flight back.”
“So where’s this diamond gonna be?”
“He keeps it in his penthouse apartment, but on Friday he’ll move everything down to the club to assert his wealth like the gratuitous prick he is. The diamond will be front and center, suspended from the skylight, in a glass case, above the dance floor.”
“OK…so…you want us to do a smash’n’grab…in the middle of a party…in the middle of the room?”
“No, Harley Quinn, you won’t be doing anything. Nor will Poison Ivy. Which is why, Pam, as soon as Gordon sits down for small talk, I need you on your way. Harley should already be in position.”
“I need to freshen up a bit,” Pam excused herself. When Dick looked like he might protest, she added “Don’t have too much fun without me,” squeezing his shoulder as she passed by and adding a flirtatious wink for good measure.
“I said pull back the pheromones,” Selina hissed into her earpiece once Ivy had left them. “Dick is literally drooling right now.”
“I’m a very attractive woman, Selina, I’m not sure what you want from me,” Ivy chastised, skirting the dance floor and slipping into the hallway. Harley was waiting for her by the bathroom door, the blonde’s face splitting into a grin once she laid eyes on her.
“Fancy meeting you here,” she teased, and Ivy smiled back, approaching her slowly—adding an extra bit of sway to her hips.
“The odds are astonishing.”
“Eyes on the prize, ladies,” Selina sounded annoyed.
“I think it’s all going swimmingly so f—,”
“Guard on your six,” Selina interrupted.
Thinking quickly, Harley grabbed Ivy by the back of the head when they heard the heavy footsteps approaching, and yanked Ivy into a passionate kiss which the redhead readily returned.
Taking her cue, Ivy allowed herself to be pushed against the wall, Harley’s hands traveling up her hips, waist, squeezing and caressing in a display not at all appropriate for public consumption. The guard had stopped at the end of the hall, and what’s when Ivy pretended to notice him, opening her eyes and giggling as she separated from Harley’s lips. “I think we’re in trouble.”
Harley turned then, going red in the face as she, too, pretended to notice the armed guard who was now openly watching them. “Whoops. Guess I should, uh, get back on the job. Don’t tell, alright?”
He looked like he wanted to respond verbally, but instead he just shook his head—a semi-knowing gesture—before turning on his heels and heading back towards the dancefloor.
“Disaster averted,” Ivy reported into her earpiece.
“In the loudest and wettest way possible, it would seem,” was Selina’s sardonic response.
“When does Harley need to be on her mark?”
“5 minutes.”
Ivy grinned, twisting her hand in Harley’s tie as she reached to push the bathroom door open behind them. “Meaning I have 3 minutes to finish what you started,” she told the blonde, tugging her inside.
“The most important thing is we stay on mission. No distractions.”
“Scout’s honor,” Harley saluted her.
“—perhaps there’s another solution.”
“We’re already behind, Bruce. Criminals become more and more sophisticated everyday, and I’m not just talking about the ones in tights. We can’t rely completely on the Bats, they can’t be everywhere at once.”
“Outfitting your officers like soldiers, though?” Bruce asked, incredulous. “They’re not trained, Jim. And they’re angry, I’ve seen it. You and Sionis may as well be throwing kerosene on the whole situation.”
“Their side is angrier,” was Gordon’s rebuttal.
“There isn’t their side and our side, Jim, there’s just Gotham City.”
“A sentiment easily spoken from your castle up on the hill,” Gordon took a sip of champagne.
“Bruce, baby,” Selina tugged on his sleeve, sounding petulant. “You promised me no shop talk tonight. We’re supposed to be out enjoying ourselves. Save the capes and cops conversation for—,”
The lights flickered, grabbing everyone’s attention. The band’s playing slowed to a stop, whispered worries filling the silence.
“Oh, don’t worry about that, folks,” Sionis shouted above the noise. “I’m at war with the utility company, let’s get that music playing again,” he encouraged, pretending to conduct the band.
Selina followed the sound of his voice with her eyes, spotting him about 15 feet away, standing next to a man in a suit nearly as ostentatious as Roman’s own.
Perfect.
“I need 30 seconds.”
“I’m sure we can manage that.”
The lights flickered again, this time staying off for a moment, casting the club into momentary darkness, long enough for a shadow to pass over the skylight, and then—CRASH.
The shattered glass fell to the floor, the guests on the dancefloor screaming as they leaped out of harms way.
When the lights came back on, there was a figure climbing down the chain that hung in the center of the room, the one the diamond was suspended from.
“It’s Catwoman!” someone shouted, pointing upwards as the figure clad all in black wrapped the chain around her leg like a trapeze artist, falling gracefully backwards as she stretched to scrape her claws in a perfect circle on the glass case that was tapping the diamond.
“What are you waiting for?!” Sionis shouted at his armed guards. “Fucking kill her!”
The 6 men obeyed, drawing their guns and pointing them upwards as the guests around them screamed again.
Selina smirked as their guns clicked impotently. Jammed by green tendrils they would only discover later.
“Nice try, boys,” Catwoman teased as she lifted the diamond, crunching upwards and slipping her prize into the small pack on her back before retreating towards the skylight.
That’s when the front door burst open.
“Not so fast, Sweetheart.”
All eyes turned to find Batgirl standing, hands on hips, just inside the building, a smile stretching her painted red lips.
“Perfect, a Bat,” Roman muttered, just loud enough for Selina to hear. The other man in the suit reached for his own gun, but Roman placed his hand on the man’s arm. “She’ll handle it for us.”
Catwoman was scrambling up the chain now, but wasn’t fast enough to outrun Batgirl’s bolas trap, which the redhead tossed just as the cat burglar reached the skylight, the three-pronged rope wrapping itself around her ankles and binding her there.
Batgirl then drew her grappling gun, shooting the hook through the broken skylight and letting it pull her up to the trapped Catwoman.
The gala guests cheered as Batgirl yanked the bag off the thief’s back, leaving her tied there as she dropped back down to the ground in a rather dramatic superhero landing. “I believe this belongs to you,” Batgirl said, producing the diamond and holding it out to Sionis, who was watching her with a tight smile.
“What a show, young lady,” he chuckled, taking the diamond from her before shouting, “Give it up for our hero, please, ladies and gents! Where would we be without the Bats?”
Some assorted whistles followed, the cheering intensifying as Batgirl gave a cordial wave.
“Jesus Christ,” Gordon shook his head beside Selina, lending his own (slightly sardonic) applause to the chorus.
“Ooh!” Harley clapped excitedly. “I love a costume change!”
“She won’t be bothering you again,” Batgirl assured the crowd, grabbing the handle of her grappling gun again and shooting back up towards the ceiling, wrapping an arm around Catwoman’s waist as she went and pulling the two of them through the skylight and out onto the roof where she promptly unwrapped her bolas trap, freeing Catwoman’s leg from the chain. With a firm hand on the thief’s back, Batgirl led her away from the skylight towards the edge of the roof.
“Well,” Catwoman smirked. “Where ya takin’ me, huh, Batsy?”
Batgirl snapped her fingers in response, a thatch work of vines appearing at the side of the building, ready to carry them down to safety. “Mm, could be anywhere. We have the rest of the night off.”
Catwoman lunged forward then, her kiss rough and hungry. Batgirl returned the enthusiasm, hands pulling at the ears on the burglar’s cowl until Harley’s mess of blonde hair was revealed. “This it totally workin’ for me, by the way,” she giggled against Ivy’s lips. “How bout we go home?”
/
“A tad dramatic, don’t you think?”
Selina shrugged, crossing her arms as she leaned against one of the cold stone walls. “My job, my theatrics.”
Rolling her eyes, Oracle spun in her chair to look at her. “I hope you at least got it, after all that nonsense.”
“Let’s not be patronizing,” Selina warned as she produced a flashdrive from her bag. “You asked, and I delivered.”
Oracle held her hand out, but Selina shook her head, holding the drive it between her thumb and index finger to more closely examine it. “What’s on this thing, anyway?”
“What does that matter?”
Selina shrugged again. “I suppose…I’d like to be reassured we actually did some good here. Have my ego stroked a little, you know the drill.”
“Not so fast, sweetheart.”
That was her cue.
Making sure all eyes, save Bruce’s, were on the theater playing out before them, Selina slipped out of her chair, weaving between Roman’s entranced guests until she was right behind him.
“Perfect, a Bat.”
Selina reached into the envelope in his back pocket, lifting the flashdrive and dropping in the replacement Oracle had provided.
Like taking candy from a baby. A baby with a massive ego and a surely microscopic dick.
Oracle sighed. “They’re drop sites for human trafficking victims,” she revealed. “I’m sure Harley and Ivy will be delighted to learn what an exceptional amount of good they did tonight. Dick still has a headache, you know. Not sure why you had her dose him like that.”
“You made me keep them in the dark and that part was her idea,” Selina laughed, pushing off the wall and slinging the bag back over her shoulder. “No harm no foul, anyway. But don’t worry, Harley and Ivy will never know we were anything but selfish. After all, I’m keeping the diamond for my troubles.”
“I watched Ivy hand that back to Sionis.”
“Looks can be deceiving,” Selina winked. “Which reminds me, Ivy’s decided she’s keeping the suit too.”
“Wh—what could Poison Ivy possibly want with my old suit?”
/
Harley struggled against her restraints, trying not to let her smile betray how much fun this was. “What’er ya gonna do to me? Punish me?”
“Goodness no, I’m not vindictive like that…” Ivy grinned, green eyes glowing as she summoned some vines to restrain Harley’s feet as well. “Those batcuffs are as much for my protection as your imprisonment. You’ve been a very bad girl, Harley Quinn.”
Harley’s giggle was shrill. “I sure have, Batgirl. Guess you’re gonna have to reform me or somethin’, huh?”
Ivy crawled over her prone form slowly, lips dragging up her bare stomach. “We’ll see…”